kara with a k

Grace Wins

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 05:02:00 +0000

All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. Romans 5:20 The Message

I come from a very competitive family. We don't like to lose (which is such a silly thing to say, though it is said often, because, really, who likes to lose?), and we don't like to make mistakes. My sister's boyfriend found this out this weekend when his mad ping pong playing skills shook up my play to win family. First he schooled my cousin Preston. Then two of my very confident uncles. He laughed recalling how Preston's slamming of his paddle on the table in defeat reminded him a little of my sister. I tell ya, competitiveness is woven in the DNA of our family like bad eyesight and a love for food. It's a streak as wide and long as Texas.

I'm not an athletic person so it may not appear at first that I am very competitive, but the abhorrence of mistakes and failure that often accompanies the competitiveness easily recognized in my more athletic family members is very apparent in me. I hate messing up. I hate mistakes. I can beat myself up for days (and sometimes years) over words misspoken or situations handled poorly. And all this beating myself up has led to a belief that, when it comes to life, sin wins. Oh, I would never admit these thoughts aloud, but I live and breathe it. Sin conquers because I can in no way ever be perfect.

But that's not what God says. His grace, through Jesus Christ, trumps sin every. single. time.

I loved finding the above verse this weekend, as I thought about my family and my long line of perfectionistic, competitive thinking and living. There is a grace at work in my life, and in it God is setting everything right. No need to struggle with the sin, or live as if it has any chance of triumph in my life. Instead I ponder this truth: Grace wins.

Of Stars and Rest (Happy Labor Day)

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 15:47:00 +0000

There is precious little hope to be got out of whatever keeps us industrious, but there is a chance for us whenever we cease work and become stargazers. ~H.M. Tomlinson

Last night at my uncle's house, once the sun had set and we all sat out on the lawn listening to our friends and family try their hand at karaoke, my sister remarked how beautiful the night sky was, all studded with stars. Living in a big city, she doesn't get the chance to stargaze like we can in the country. Of all the fun and exciting things we could have been doing on a long, glorious weekend I loved that the highlight was sitting back, relaxed and satisfied, nowhere to be and nothing to do, gazing at a starry night masterpiece. It reminds me of when we were kids and my dad would point out constellations and astound us with his knowledge of astronomy. Now there's an iPhone app that tells you which constellation is which. The app is way cool, but my dad, with his stored and ready knowledge, is still cooler.

Happy Labor Day, friends. Hope you get the chance to rest and relax and maybe stargaze a little.

Encouragement FAIL!

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 15:53:00 +0000

After my bloggy twin Christy revealed September's Pouring Out challenge I spent some time trying to figure out the particular person I wanted to spend the month encouraging...and came up with nada (which sounds bad, I know, but really has more to do with my tendency towards indecision in these sorts of things and not that I don't know plenty of people who deserve lots of encouragement).

Anyways.

In my indecision I decided to spread encouragement wherever I could these past few days- at work, at home, on facebook- hoping for inspiration to hit on the right person. I saw a status update from my best friend talking about her love for her demanding job and how God uses her and I thought it was a great opportunity to encourage her in it. Her job is not an easy one, pouring into people who are walking through one of (if not) the most difficult time of their life. I am in awe of her ability to do it day and day out. So I thought I'd tell her so. This is what I wrote:

"You are awesome, Rachel! What a gift from God to do what you do everyday, I am so glad you love serving God and hurting people"

To which she quickly responded that it read as if I thought she loved serving God and loved to hurt people. Yeah. Encouragement FAIL (and Christian fail if that's what you actually do).

It's going to be an interesting month for Pouring Out.

Caffeinated Randomness: My Weekend, It Shall Rock.

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 05:11:00 +0000

Three day weekend! Three day weekend! Three! Day! Weekend!

Really, if nothing else, that is blogworthy.

But if that weren't enough, my sister is coming to town on Sunday. With her boyfriend (who, incidentally, is originally from London, and I adore his accent. It's pretty much as awesome as you're imagining right now. So Kudos to my sister for dating a Brit!) And her fresh from the beaches of Utila suntan. Her birthday is in another week or so but since we won't be with her then we are going to do a little early celebrating when she arrives.

Sunday evening my uncle is throwing a big Labor Day party at his house, a low-country shrimp boil. The low country boil has been a big hit with our family ever since he introduced us to it five or six years ago. Really, I'm down for anything with shrimp in it. And corn I can slather in garlic butter. Most of my mom's extended family is going to be there, plus my uncle's employees, so it's going to be a big group of us. It should be lots of fun, and even though I sometimes come across as being allergic to ridiculous amounts of fun, I think it will be awesome.

The other bonus is that a cool front is coming through (pretty much as I type this, actually) and the weather this weekend is supposed to be wonderful. We're talking low humidity, clear skies, upper 80's. That is the way to send off summer, right (which I know is technically a couple weeks away, but doesn't everybody kinda consider it over after Labor Day? I know I do, with good riddance.) And since my uncle's party is outdoors, I am doubly grateful for the weather change.

It's not going to be easy, but I have to try to make it through the workday on a gorgeous day, anticipating a gorgeous weekend (THREE! DAYS!!). I hope yours will be just as lovely.

If you want to check out more caffeinated randomness, head over to Andrea's. Happy Friday!! (Oh yeah, I almost forgot: THREE! DAY! WEEKEND!!!!)

Learning Grace

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 12:24:00 +0000

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how i do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28 The Message (emphasis mine)

I remember a long time ago reading in a book about birth order how a lot of first borns are discouraged perfectionists. I think the book was saying it was a foregone conclusion that practically all firstborns are perfectionists to start with, but some, like myself, didn't often show the real signs of a perfectionist so therefore they were the discouraged kind. The ones who procrastinated relentlessly, kept messy work areas instead of meticulous ones, took deadend jobs instead of high powered ones, and all this was a result of a deep inner desire to be perfect that had been dashed at some point. I really resonated with that. Discouraged Perfectionist. That's me.

I realize that I come across as way to hard on myself in my writings. This is likely because in real life I'm way too hard on myself. Duh. Last week when I wrote about The Struggle I thought a lot about the few comments that some very dear bloggy friends posted. I thought about my self-critical nature and my endless pursuit (and subsequent failures) of a life of awesome and perfect. I know, deep down, that it is a futile search.

I was talking with a co-worker the other day, a woman who has a similar leaning towards perfection and resulting criticism and she told me that she realized she was passing the same attitude on to her children. This gave her pause. It gave me pause. I'm not married yet, I don't have children yet either, but I do work with youth now and I do hope to be a mom someday. Do I really want this self-defeating, energy draining struggle for impossible to be passed on to them in any form?

So I started thinking yesterday about how to fight this. It seems funny to think about fighting a fight, but that's where my struggle ready brain goes. And then I came across this verse in Matthew. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. Not struggle. Not perfectionism. Not criticism or discouragement or high minded idealism. Unforced rhythms of grace. THAT, I realized, is what I need to banish this long held struggle in my mind and heart.

I decided to spend this month, September, practicing grace. As a child of God I know I've already been a recipient of boundless grace. So it's already there. My hope is two-fold, as one holding a lot of grace from a limitless grace-giving God. First, I want to be able to show myself some grace. Try softer as John Ortberg wrote in his book The Me I want to Be (a book I have been reading on for at least 5 months). Let go of the need to struggle in my own discouraged perfectionism. Be okay being human. Let God have the reins of my life for a change, or as Jesus put it, take His yoke on, a burden that is easy and light.

The second, inevitable result of practicing grace will be the grace I extend to everybody else. Being my own worst critic usually means I'm going to be everyone elses too. Isn't that awful? It's been a mainstay of my life to be critical and judgmental of the people around me. I was at the grocery store this weekend and I astounded myself at the measure of hasty judgments I had on the people around me. A woman in a supermini skirt and four inch heels and a revealing top received a disdainful, disapproving look (from afar, mind you) from me. Another woman decked out in wranglers and spurs (seriously, in the grocery store, spurs?) got an eyeroll from me. I took absolutely no time to wonder what God thought of these women. I so much rather would be a woman who is marked by grace, with eyes of grace, who can respond with grace. Because grace is what I so desperately need in my life, and it's what they need in theirs.

Maybe when I find myself pouring grace out on others, I'll find that I'm spending less time obsessing about myself and my struggles. That is my hope anyway. The grace to be less self-absorbed and more God-absorbed.

Random Dozen: Yo Quiero Liberty Bell?

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 05:16:00 +0000

It's September!! September is always such a nice month. My sister is coming to town this weekend and I'm superexcited to see her (it's been three months since we visited her in Austin). There is a Clinique bonus time around the corner at Dillards. Fall officially starts this month (and I am praying the cooler temperatures come soon). And TV Premiere week is just three weeks away!! I've missed Chuck and House and 30 Rock and The Office and The Amazing Race and Glee. Watching the Emmy's on Sunday made me really excited about all these shows returning. I may love tv just a little too much. So Yay September!

Now on with the Dozen!

1. What insect are you most afraid of? Feel free to post a picture. Spiders, of every shape, size and variance. Ack!!!!!!

2. What is the greenest/most organic thing about you or that you do? This is the kind of question that makes me seem very much like a tree killing nazi, but sorry, I'm just not very green. I guess the most save the earth, green kind of thing I do is commute to work with my mother.

3. Tell me about a recurring dream that haunts you. I don't really have any recurring dreams but I always hate having dreams with spiders (or spider webs) in them. One time I dreamt that I was walking through these underground tunnels and room underneath the streets of my town and I climbed into one tunnel and noticed the way out was blocked by large spiders and spiderwebs so when I went to turn back the entrance I had just crawled through was barricaded with similar webs. Tell me dream analyzers what that means? Ack!!!

4. Have you ever missed a flight? What were the circumstances? Praise God, no. But one time I raced through the airport in Little Rock, Arkansas in order to make a flight with my boss (she misread the time we were supposed to fly out and we were thisclose to missing the flight). I am thankful that Little Rock's airport is not incredibly large and that I could run the entire time. And I know that planes aren't supposed to wait for passengers but I am fairly certain this one did for us.

5. What do you consider your best feature? My eyes.

6. What was the last concert you went to? Needtobreathe with Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers in Oklahoma City with my bff and her hubby.

7. Describe the most embarrassing church moment you ever experienced.

8. Are you a whistler, hummer or singer? I do all three, but more than any of the others I sing.

9. George Washington Carver said, "I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in." What is God saying to you through nature today, or this very minute? Change is inevitable, and that is daunting and reassuring at the same time (and at this point in the summer, I say praise God for the inevitable change of summer to fall).

10. On September, 1, 1752, the Liberty Bell arrived in Philadelphia. What memorable event will take place in your life on September 1, 2010? I will celebrate my boss's 60th birthday at her store, and later on that evening I will host the youth's first pizza party.

11. Taco Bell or the Liberty Bell? (You must choose.) Liberty Bell.

12. Do you believe men and women can have purely platonic friendships. Sure (I know Harry from when Harry Met Sally adamantly disagrees but too bad). I don't think these friendships are necessarily super deep, intimate relationships, because, at least for me as a woman, I get emotional intimacy all wrapped up with other kinds of intimacy if I'm not careful. But yes, I think men and women can have purely platonic friendships.

There is more random dozen, hopefully with less spider talk (shudder), at Lid's!

Letter to August: P.S. I Hate You

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 03:58:00 +0000

Oh, August, unbearably hot, evil, way too long month of summer ickiness, I shall not miss thee.

It's nothing personal (okay, so maybe it is), but really, you are my least favorite of all the months of the year. Surely by now you know my heart belongs to autumn. And you always come at that time when my heart aches for crisp, cool air and fallen leaves and football games and soup simmering on the stove. Instead of these lovely things you give me 100+ degree temperatures, electric bills that make a good girl swear, and one more month that isn't October. And if you did bring football, no one would show up to watch it for fear of heatstroke. Why can't you be more like your brother September? At least he tries to be cool (and by cool I mean 90). The best thing I can find to say about you now is that you are almost over. One more day.

I can't say that I'll miss you. And don't even think of spilling your despicable triple digit temperatures over into September. Let's try to end on a good note, shall we? Maybe a little rain? Or perhaps a nice breeze with low humidity like last week's fluke weather? Didn't your mother (nature) tell you in order to have friends you have to be a friend? I think in your case a little weather kindness would go a long way.

But you are no November. Not by a long shot.

Please don't try to contact me about this. I will not be responding. I think it's better if we just part ways.

Yours (but not really),

Kara with a K

On Birthday Celebrations, Trees and Legacy

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 05:08:00 +0000

I went to a birthday party for my boss this weekend. She is turning 60 on Wednesday and to celebrate, Sue's family and closest friends and employees got together to help her celebrate. Her whole family was there, including her two sisters, her parents, her two grown children and their spouses and her four grandchildren. She has the cutest set of tow headed grandchildren I have ever seen, and every last one of them has never met a stranger. I've worked for Sue long enough that I can remember when the latter two were born and when the eldest were just toddlers. Now the oldest are 13 and 11 (and handsome and beautiful, respectively) and the youngest are adorable and bright and never cease to make us laugh, a gift they did not hold back at the party.

When it was Rylee's (whom you might remember from my Bieber Fever post) turn to toast her Mimi, she shared just this statement: "Sixty's not old.....if you're a tree!" Absolutely adorable.

Sue's youngest grandchild, well, he takes the cake. The spitting image of his father, he is a ball of blonde energy and spunk. Before the prayer, Sue's pastor asked us all to stretch out our hands toward Sue as he prayed for her. I've never been one for closing my eyes during prayer and as I was looking around I saw Carter, Sue's three year old grandson run up to his mother and high five her outstretched hand. Not to let the momentum die down he promptly moved on to his cousin, Ian, with an equally exuberant high five. If the prayer had gone on much longer no doubt we all would have been high fived in rapid succession.

While waiting in line at the buffet, I made small talk with some of the other guests and they told me of similar Carter antics. A couple of them were standing at the back of the house and he asked if they would just leave. As in right then (I'm pretty sure this was a few minutes after they had arrived). Those at our table shared how he came circling around our table to tell us to "STOP!" "TALKING!" before racing off inside the house. Ever the charming host, that Carter.

But his most precious moment (for me, at least) came after the dinner, when the cake was being served. I was the first back to our table, and Carter was standing nearby drinking a soda. He scrambled over to my seat and asked, "Is this your seat?" (I was fully prepared to be asked to leave. RIGHT. NOW!)

"Yes, it is."

"Well, are you gonna sit here?"

"Well, I'm waiting to see if my friend Sharon is coming over here to sit, I don't want to sit by myself.".

"Are you scared to sit by yourself?"

"Well, you know, I kinda am," I admitted. There was no need for pretense just talking to a three year old, and I found myself feeling particularly open and honest.

"I can sit with you, if you want me to," he replied, and as I nodded yes, slid over to the seat to my right. Oh, ya'll. Melt my heart. The energetic little three year old that had high-fived people during prayer and run around all of our tables all night long didn't want me, an insecure thirty three year old woman to feel scared. Melt. My. Heart.

A minute later a co-worker of mine walked up and sat beside us.

"Aunt Nancy is here. See ya!" And off he ran, his obligation to me fulfilled.

I was thankful for his gracious hospitality, however short-lived it was, and really, the simple kindness in his gesture was absolutely fitting coming from such a sweet family. That night I had listened as one by one they lauded and celebrated my boss in poem and song and prayer and memories you could tell were cherished in the family. It felt like a sacred celebration we friends and co-workers had been privileged to witness, the honoring of the life thus far of a mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, niece and daughter. It was evident, not only from the telling of those memories and the laughter and the tears and the joy in this celebration, but in the lives of her children and grandchildren, that my boss is a special woman from a special family. And so the kindness, godliness, and the graciousness in her has been passed down, even to a rambunctious three year old. That, I believe, is what leaving a legacy is all about.

Sue, you're no tree, but what you are building will last just as long. Happy Birthday!

Caffeinated Randomness: New Youth Minister Edition

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:40:00 +0000

I am having a hard time starting off my CR post this week. I have written and re-written my opening sentences like two or three times. Is that a random enough beginning for ya?

Wednesday was my second night with the Youth. One thing I've noticed in my small group is that there is a lot of picking on each other boy vs. girl, and sibling vs. sibling so I decided the best idea to negate all that was not to sit in a happy circle and read bible verses on love and peace, but instead play games where they didn't have a chance to pick on each other. I know, I know, oh so spiritual of me. But have you noticed the energy level of a typical 14 year old lately? I need to wear a little of the hyper off of them before they can even sit down and hear me talk about Jesus. So we played one of my all-time favorite go-to games from my Baptist Student Union days, I've Never. If you didn't go to my BSU in the mid-to-late 90's then let me explain the basics of said game. One person stands in a circle while the remaining people sit in chairs (there are only enough chairs for the people sitting down) and that person states something like "I've never had braces" and then any persons in the circle who have had braces have to get up and move chairs and the person in the middle tries to steal one of their chairs. Someone is always left standing and they have to be the person in the middle. Kind of simple, maybe a little lame, but oh my did it ever work for this group. They loved it! And perhaps, since there were only five of us, they wanted to make it more challenging by moving the chairs across the room from one another, a sort of extreme I've Never if you will. It was reported to me later that the sound of the five of us running across the room every 30-60 seconds sounded like a herd of buffalo, or as my bff's daughter Addie proclaimed, "I don't like the sound of that storm that's coming". It's a storm, alright. A storm of hormonal, hyper teenagers with one silly and maybe not all that sensible adult. I had a blast, though. Those kids already have my heart.

And seriously, what is it about cracking open the bible and starting a lesson that makes them want to ask every random, weird question about God or heaven?

Do we become angels when we die?

Are our pets in heaven?(I loved when one girl told the guy asking that question that there is a lion and a lamb in heaven according to the bible, and the guy answered that he didn't want no lion as a pet!)

So if we're supposed to love everybody does that mean terrorists? murderers? rapists? {One of the girls proclaimed that loving her neighbor was going to be easy since her neighbor was her grandmother. She was less enamored to find out that the love needed to extend to the girl that lived across the street}.

It's going to be interesting, answering these questions, and wrangling the hormones of teenage boys and girls. Feel free to pray in extra doses for me this week.

Find more caffeinated randomness at Andrea's. And Happy Friday, ya'll!

The Struggle

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 05:02:00 +0000

A week or so ago I was having lunch with my mom at my favorite local Chinese restaurant. After filling our bellies with some of the best eggrolls, fried rice and other delightful dishes known to man, we always read our little fortunes and either laugh or roll our eyes and share with the other what we got. We never really take them seriously, even the time or two my mom has gotten one that says, you or someone you know will be getting married in the next year (and she always thinks that's going to be me or my sister). They're just fortunes. But this time it stuck out to me, and I've thought about it ever since.

You often struggle with self-improvement, and it shows.

I read it and laughed uncomfortably at it's unexpected poignant accuracy. Then I showed it to mom and she had that same knowing laugh, the one that means hit. nail. head. I often struggle with self-improvement, and the part that shows? The struggle. It's always the struggle.

All those things I want to change or improve about myself, from my weight to my time management skills and lack of self-discipline, to loving others more, loving God more, complaining less, procrastinating less, following through with what I start, being a better friend, employee, daughter, sister. All those things I want to change and usually all that I ever see is the struggle, the earnest, the failures that result.

I wonder, when do we stop the struggle? When does it, or does it ever, get easier? And if the answers to those questions are never, what do I do with that? Because I want more than just the struggle to show. I want a life that isn't solely marked by futile warring within myself for something more.

Maybe the struggle makes us stronger, and maybe it's all part of this journey. I don't want to make that the trite, empty answer to my question, even if it is true. Because there is nothing worse than struggle that produces nothing but weariness and defeat.

So in these two promises I take hope: that He who began a good work in me will carry it on until to completion until the Day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6) and that I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37).

It's what I look forward to, a life marked by sure and visible victory instead of struggles for self-improvement. Try putting that on a fortune cookie.

Random Dozen: Note To Self, Don't Press Publish Until You Finish Typing

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 03:35:00 +0000

So perhaps I hit the publish button too soon (accidentally actually, and I'm not sure how it happened) and so you may have already read the first three answers or so to this random dozen (and a little early at that). Sorry about that. I guess my fingers were just so darn excited to reveal the dozen this week.

1. What is your favorite Mexican dish? When it comes to Mexican food, for me, it's about more than just one dish, so, my favorite Mexican meal is chips, salsa, guacamole, queso, fajitas and a sopapilla. Preferably from Ted's Cafe Escondido.

2. When you were a kid, did you get started on your homework right away after school, or did you procrastinate? Procrastinate! Still do, actually.

3. What is your favorite store for home furnishings? Pottery Barn

4. When you were young, did you like school lunches? No, not at all.

5. Is religion a crutch? Religion a crutch, I suppose it can be, in the sense that people struggle with life and need something to help them cope and all sorts of religions have that sort of expectation about them. But if you are a follower of Christ it isn't as much about religion as it is relationship with Christ. The relationship is one of transformation and cleansing and sanctification, not merely a set of ideologies and beliefs that help us cope. So if other "religions" could be called a crutch, Christianity is major surgery overhauling the broken bones into something whole. Trying to compare true Christianity to a crutch is like comparing apples to oceans. They aren't even the same thing, not by a long shot.

6. In your region, what is the "big" (most popular in the community or state) high school sport? Football

7. Do you consider yourself rich? Compared to the majority of the world, yes.

8. Which of these would you have the best chance for success in administering:
A) CPR
B) Heimlich Maneuver
C) Changing a flat tire

How about D) None of the above

9. Which dance would you prefer to learn & why:
A) Salsa
B) Hip Hop
C) Waltz
D) Swing

I am so not good at dancing, and I am such a clumsy sort of person that I don't want to learn how to do any of those dances. But swing dancing was super popular at the end of my college days and I think if I was going to learn one of those dances back then I would have chosen swing.

10. What's the worst news you've ever delivered to someone? I remember calling my sister after my mom's dog Hollie got struck by a car and killed late one night. I was sobbing and it was a hard thing to share. Death news has to be the worst kind of news of all the news.

11. Name something you learned in college that had nothing to do with classes or academics. Guys aren't very fond of clingy, possessive girls.

12. New variation on an old question: If there's a song in your head that just won't get out, what is your favorite (or most repeated) line in that song? Lately it's the song Human by Natalie Grant and the lyric that keeps going through my head is "I'm human, You're human, We are, we are human", but the lyric that I love from the song is "We've gotta do better than this cause we only got one chance to make a difference, we've gotta do better than this 'cause we've only got one life that we've been given" Good stuff there, but the I'm Human, You're Human part is kinda getting on my nerves (naturally it's what is stuck in my head).

Now, isn't that better than an unfinished dozen? Be sure to link up at Lid's and share your own answers to this week's random dozen today!!

Just So You Know, She's Packin' Heat Too

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 05:00:00 +0000

My best friend Rachel never ceases to amaze me. She is an incredibly awesome mom to one of the cutest girl's alive, Addison, and works for the District Attorney as an assistant victim's witness coordinator. It's a crazy demanding, emotionally draining sort of job that requires a strength and grace that God alone gives. Last weekend she and her husband took their certification test thing to have concealed carry permits (and, I'm told, she shot better than most of the guys taking the test with her). And she does all this in three inch heels, ya'll. It's alright to be in awe of her.

Sunday morning my best friend and I led worship so we arrived at the church earlier than everyone else. I was a bit nervous, not having led worship in over a year, and felt scattered and insecure and uneasy. I had no sooner turned on the lights and set my purse down when I heard my best friend scream, "Oh my gosh there's a little baby mouse in the corner!". I ran around the corner to see a itsy bitsy teenie weenie little baby mouse huddled in the corner of the step onto the stage. I scream. My bff does what any normal, rational screaming person would do and called her husband on her cell phone for him to drive back to the church and remove said baby mouse from our presence. He did not answer. She soon discovered the mouse would run away from us if we ran toward it so we spent a ridiculous amount of time running around our sanctuary trying to get him to run under the door and out but he just kept bumping into walls and turning around again. It was hilarious.

After about five minutes of mouse chasing our pastor arrived. By this time, however, another baby mouse had emerged and we had TWO mice running around our sanctuary. Now I was no longer nervous about leading worship, I was nervous about being joined on stage by rodents! Our pastor came to our rescue by killing said mice (which I would not have done, because darn it if they didn't look cute, but as my bff chided me, "Kara they're only gonna get bigger and uglier") in prompt, no-nonsense fashion. I hid in the sound booth while my best friend and pastor wrangled them up.

After the double homicide was over, and my pastor retreated in victory to his office, another baby mouse came running out from under the stage. This time my newly courageous bff took matters into her own hands (or heels as it were) and took off one of her three inch high heels and killed the last mouse, whilst one of my teenagers taunted her with a, "Thou shall not kill, Rachel!". Clearly the early morning church crew was split between the pacifist animal lovers and the wild, high heel shoe killing commandment breakers. The latter won, they always win. RIP three blind church mice. Rest in Peace.

CR: All The Random You Can Handle

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 11:40:00 +0000

I'm going to try my darnedest to make this a truly random post (but as of yet, not caffeine has entered my system, therefore I am not responsible for the variety of random contained therein), because I feel especially ambitious this Friday.

Five weeks minus 1 day until the official start of autumn. And all the air conditioners cried, Hallelujah! We actually had a short-lived cool front this week, where we had low 90s for a brief few hours. Seriously, I never knew I'd be thankful for temps in the 90s. But I was. I so was.

Is it horribly telling of me that my favorite part of Eat Pray Love was the Eat part (the movie that is, I haven't read the book)? Oh, Italy, we must meet someday. Also, I think I need to learn Italian, such a beautiful language.

Right now, for a limited time, you can stream Jars of Clay's upcoming release The Shelter on their website for free. Oh peeps, you must do this (it is perfection for perusing blogs and facebook or playing a game of 5 of Mahjong Tiles). According to their website The Shelter was inspired by an old Irish proverb that says, "It is in the shelter of each other that the people live." and it is all about community. The cool part is that they have a lot of awesome (read, some of my faves!) special guests on the album, like Thad Cockrell, Audrey Assad, Michael and Lisa Gungor, Derek Webb and Burlap to Cashmere (Be. Still. My. Heart.). The album releases in October and you better believe I will be downloading/purchasing myself a copy. Oh so good.

My sister is leaving today for a little island off the coast of Honduras for vacay. Yet another person who is making me unbelievably jealous with their beach vacation wanderings. I will not turn green with envy. I will not turn green with envy. I will not turn green with envy. I've pretty much given up hope for a beachy vacation (or any sort of vacation) this year. But next year? Next year I've got some plans. Me+the beach+a superawesome friend+her two unbelievably adorable children= vacation therapy next Spring.

Did I sufficiently random you up this happy Friday? If you could use another dose or 10, check out Andrea's CR, or link up and join in the fun yourself.

The Waiting

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 03:45:00 +0000

Taking on this youth ministry gig has really got me thinking about all sorts of things, but one big thing is how I still so much wish I was married. To be honest, one reason I didn't consider taking the position sooner is because I really felt it was better if a couple could do it. I know it isn't necessary to have a man in that ministry, but it certainly is beneficial. I guess I just expected it to be that way, me and my husband, an unstoppable team. But it's not that way, it's just me. And that has me a little sad, bringing me back to that same old thought, "I should be married by now". I hate sharing that thought, much less having it. But it's there, it's almost always there.

And I know I'm not the only one waiting, wondering, dealing with mounting disappointment and disillusionment and a timeline that doesn't fit the timeline in your head. I have friends and loved ones who have been waiting months and some even years for a child, but they are still barren. I know they think, "I should have had a child by now." I have another friend who feels stuck in a dead end job while some of her former classmates are finishing law degrees and going into big time careers, and they think "I should be in a great career by now". The waiting and the hope deferred drenches us like the humidity of an Oklahoma August afternoon. It's downright unbearable, with no foreseeable relief in sight.

It makes me think about this conversation my best friend and I had a few weeks ago, driving back from a conference with her husband (God bless him for not only being our chauffeur, but putting up with two overly talkative, emotional, crazy women). We were talking, my best friend and I, about these unfulfilled dreams. I love my best friend's honesty, how she doesn't cover over the unflattering shades of her life. She aches with the brokenness of shattered dreams. Ours are wildly different, but a dream is a dream. And she fumed and mourned them with me in the car that night. In the moment I know she felt all alone in her heartbreak questioning aloud the why's of a longing unfulfilled. I told her I knew how she felt and her response echoed back with the realization that we were both there in the same boat. The heartache between us hung thick like the hot humid night air outside. For a moment it felt like our two silent souls shared the same sigh filled with the same longing. And though it was never uttered aloud I think they both cried, why God? How long? I spoke a few seconds later. "I think our problem is that we put a timeline on Gods promises and God doesn't"Because the truth for me and my friend is that God hasn't outright shut the door on these particular dreams. For right now they dangled in the realm of not yet.

The realm of not yet. It's a rather unsettling place for your dreams to be, isn't it? I wish I knew how to hand over the timeline of my life, but I just haven't been able to. I cannot fathom a God unfettered by time. I don't know how God sees the deep, wide, strong dreams of this thirtysomething woman longing to marry and be a mother and not fulfill them. I know He reserves the right to shut the door on both of those dreams, but honestly, I don't think He has.

So for now I wait, and I press on. And the dreams stay in the realm of not yet.

Random Dozen

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:06:00 +0000

Tonight is the first night with the youth group and I'm nervous and excited and I would love your prayers for tonight's service if you can spare the time. Until then, on with the Random!

1. What is your favorite fair/carnival food?

The good old-fashioned corn dog, unless you are talking about the local arts and crafts fair in town and then it would be the tater twirl.

2. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Aren't we all? Clothes, regrets, junk mail (don't ask me why), prayers God said no to, the dream that I will one day inherit enough money to be considered independently wealthy.

3. What is your favorite gift to receive?

The ones I really want! Honestly, not a surprise kind of girl. Usually, I make a list. It's best if you stay with the list.

4. When was the last time you tried something new?

How's this for new?

5. What is your favorite and least favorite book genre?

Memoir is my favorite (ala Donald Miller and Shauna Niequist), and my least favorite is western fiction (and I say that having never read or never intending to read said genre, sorry for being a prejudiced reader).

6.Silver or Gold?

Silver and Gold, Silver and Gold, everyone wishes for silver and gold! Sorry, I had to get that out of the way. We sing that a lot at my workplace, especially around christmas, I blame Mika, who was a teenager when I started but now is the late 20's mother of soon to be 3 kids. I feel old now. Wait, what was the question? Oh yeah, I'm gonna go with both.

7. What makes you sigh?

An exceptionally good love story (and most of them are).

8. If you didn't know how old you are, how old would you claim you are?

25. Sounds like a good, solid number.

9. Would you break a law to save a loved one? To protect a loved one?

That's a hard one, because I'm such a stickler for rules and being all law-abiding and what not. But to save a loved one, sure. To protect a loved one, depends on what kind of law I would be breaking and whether or not the "protecting" is truly in their best interest.

10. If you had to teach something, what would it be?

English, History, Psychology, Sociology. Really anything but Math or Science.

11. You're having lunch with 3 people whom you respect and admire. They begin to criticize a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. What do you do?

Defend my friend, of course! Let them know the great things about her and wonder why I admire and respect people who are critical of the people I love.

12. Which of the 5 Love Languages is your prominent means of experiencing love?

I used to think mine was Words of Affirmation, but now I am certain I am a tie between Quality Time and Gifts.

Share your random dozen answers and link up at Lid's today!!

Confessions of a Recovering Know-It-All

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 05:09:00 +0000

I love being right. Which means it should go without saying I hate to be wrong. This is one of those horrible idiosyncrasies I have that I just can't shake. I will argue relentlessly when I believe my point is the one true valid point, regardless of how small the matter. I drive people crazy on a daily basis. I have trouble seeing the benefit in letting things go in order to make peace.

I was reading the following passage the other day and I smirked to myself over the addendum I would include, if I was the one who penned it (and thank God I wasn't):

"Always be humble and gentle (unless the other person is wrong, then pounce like a feral cat) patiently put up with each other (with the exception of the poor idiots who have it all wrong) and love each other (or at least love the people you already like). Try your best to let Gods spirit keep your hearts united (this works best if everyone will just agree that I am always right and they are not). Do this by living at peace(and if that won't work, try living deserted island style for awhile)." Ephesians 4:2-3 (A Karaphrase).

It's seems rather to silly to imagine the commands of God this way, but I think, if we're honest, it's exactly what we do; adding our own rationalizations and vague interpretations and exceptions to His rules. In my case, I've done it to preserve my right to always be right. Even if it means in God's eyes, I'm horribly wrong.

I know a lot about being right. I know about defending myself in a debate over my perceived right over your obvious wrong. I know how to stubbornly stand my ground until the other person gives in or gives out. But I don't know how to love past my deep, inherent need to be right. I don't know how to fight for unity and bear with others with a patience that overrules my stubborn sense of right and wrong. I don't know how to preserve peace over chaos and arguments and debates.

I wonder why I've valued being right, being a superior know-it-all, over those spirit led and spirit filled traits of love and peace and patience and gentleness. It should go without saying those are the qualities God prefers in His children. And now, I'm finding myself hungry for that fruit in my life. It's funny, all the years I've been taught this stuff, that it's only now starting to sink in. Guess I haven't been so right after all.

So I Mentioned Risk Yesterday...

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 05:14:00 +0000

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are for." John A. Shedd

A while ago, sometime around the beginning of the year, Kristen posted that quote on Exemplify's page on Facebook. It's one of those quotes that grabs you instantly and you don't know if it did because it scares you or thrills you. I wasn't sure at first myself, but the notion certainly sparked something in me. Myself? I'm a harbor girl. I love safety and security and protection and stability. I'm not a risk taker, and I'm not brave by nature. This is probably why I still live at home with my parents, still in the same town I grew up in, still at the same job I started at while still in college. My favorite quote? Bloom where you are planted. Only I haven't really been blooming. And I definitely have spent my share of time tethered safely to a dock in a harbor. And something in me, something that is actually a bit foreign to the cautious, comfort seeker, has been pulling at the anchor, longing to be what I was designed to be.

Before you get to thinking I'm moving far from home, taking a job out of my comfort zone, let me calm you down a bit. I'm not. Still staying here, in my small town, still staying in my parents home, for now. Still at my regular job, the same one I've been in for 11 years. But still, I've made a decision, and I've taken a risk. It may not seem that big a deal to you, but we're talking about harbor girl here. It's a big deal to me.

Several weeks ago I learned that the youth in our church were without a leader. It's a small group, 7 or 8 kids at best, but they are still a group and they still need someone. I don't take lightly that kind of calling. I don't think it's some little thing to pour into the lives of young people. It's God's work. It's serious work (even when it's fun and goofy work). It's not harbor girl work. It isn't safe. And yet, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I thought about it and prayed about it, this big undertaking. I thought about how uncool and irrelevant I would probably be to a handful of junior high and high school kids. I thought about how much time it would take from my life . I thought about my insecurities as a leader and a speaker. I thought about how I was the wallflower invisible girl in high school and if she would rear her loser head if I found myself immersed in teenage world again. And then I thought about how much I want those teenagers to know Jesus like I know Him. I thought about the joy I get from sharing God's word and seeing a face light up with that "got it" expression. I thought about community and my church and how I don't want that handful of kids to grow up and out of church without really knowing the word of God or how to pray or how to be a part of the family of God. I thought about how they should have the chance to be a part of God's work in our church, and to feel a part of the community in their own way, in a way I got to when I was their age, in a safe to ask questions and be yourself and feel accepted kind of environment. I thought about how huge and risky it would be to love them, really love them, and lay down my life for them. And each of these thoughts pulled up on the anchor that had been rooted in a safe harbor known as my life.

It scares the you know what out of me, but I've made an irreversible decision: I am my church's new youth minister.

The single, cautious, newly brave, yet to find her sea legs, former wallflower has made a big move. Goodbye to harbor girl.

And you know something? I'm really, truly excited. Scared. But excited. I covet your prayers, covet them big time. It's been a while since this ship has been out on open waters.

As of Late (AKA my Most Favorite Meme Ever)

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 12:22:00 +0000

The 15th kind of snuck (snuck, sneaked? which is correct?) up on me this month. I wasn't even thinking about As of Late until I was up late last night not feeling well and opened up Exemplify's page to see Kristen's latest post. I hope my As of Late's don't feel like a jumbled mess. But here goes.

Lately I've been taking Psalm 63's cry to seek Him early to heart.

Lately I've been inspired by all the blog makeovers and my mind is whirling with ideas for my own.

Lately I've taken a risk which equally thrills and terrifies me. More on that tomorrow.

Lately I've been meditating on the greatest command and the second just like it.

Lately I'm still loving Audrey Assad and Thad Cockrell.

Lately I've been thankful to be given the chance to bloom where I'm planted.

Lately I've been humbled by the people who take the time to read and comment on my blog. Your words are so kind!

Lately I've been counting the days until and praying for an early autumn. 100+ degree temperatures are of. the. devil.

So what has been going on with you as of late? Share it with us and link up at Kristen's blog.

Caffeinated Randomness: A Whole Lot of A Little

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 05:15:00 +0000

This week is a lot like last week: long week, unbearably hot, ready for the weekend, blah, blah, blah. In the dog days of summer nothing really seems to change (especially the ridiculous temperatures ack!). I think it goes without saying that I am so homesick for autumn that I cannot stand it. So I won't mention it. Nope, not even once.

My father is meeting up with my sister and her boyfriend for a Texas Rangers game this weekend, so mom and I are on our own. We plan to go to my favorite restaurant in town on Friday night where I intend to enjoy the best macaroni and cheese I've ever had in my entire life and steak you can cut with a fork. Delish! Then on Saturday we are making like hermits and staying home the entire day, which may sound dreadfully boring to you, but with the heat outside and the lack of funds since my shopping excursion last weekend, it sounds blissfully perfect to me. I've got laundry and back episodes of Drop Dead Diva and Covert Affairs (LOVE this new show) to keep me and mom company all day long.

In other random news, have I ever mentioned there isn't a personality test or assessment I don't love? The former psych major in me is drawn to them. I found the Enneagram personality types last week thanks to a couple of tweets about it from some people I stalk, er, follow on Twitter. You can take a free (less lengthy and less detailed) version of their test on the website or if you have an iPhone or iPod touch, you can download their app (I think it's $4.99) and take the full version to get more accurate results. Basically there are 9 personality types and each type has two possible subtypes (they call them wings). I have always been a big Myers-Briggs fan, but I really do like the Enneagram personality types. I took the short free version on their site and the app version and both times came up with Type 6, The Loyalist.

(By the by, who doesn't love being described as suspicious and anxious?).

I am pretty sure I am a Type 6 with a 5 wing, "The Defender", which sounds way cooler than suspicious and anxious. According to the app, I'm in good company as a Loyalist, because so is Robert Redford, Billy Graham, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Hanks, Johnny Carson, Julia Roberts, Princess Diana and in the world of fiction, The Cowardly Lion. I think they are just stereotyping the poor Cowardly Lion (fyi, the Cowardly Lion is a type 6 with a 7 wing, "The Buddy", although when he balls up his fists and paces around saying "put 'em up, put 'em up" I think he's just channeling his inner 5 wing).

Not to be outdone by the Enneagram, I took a blogthings personality test recently too. You know, just for a little balance:

You Are a Surprise

There's nothing about you that is predictable or ordinary. You are totally one of a kind!

You're always changing and growing. You are never how you once were - you're always a little better.

You are constantly on the lookout for new trends or ideas. You love discover something else to love.

You are quite sweet, but you also keep it real. You wanted to be accepted for who you truly are.

The Ice Cream Cone Test

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Both results are apt descriptions, don't you think?

Gosh, all this analyzing myself has made me tired (and strangely hungry for ice cream). Have an awesome weekend and for more caffeinated randomness check out Andrea's!

Oh, and if you are as much a personality test geek as me, take the enneagram test and let me know what type you are!

On Seasons and Dying

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 05:02:00 +0000

There's this tree across the street from where I work and its leaves have turned orange and red and brown. Typically this is a sight I marvel at but this week when I saw it's premature turning I felt sad. Its August, not October or November, and that means that heat and drought are responsible for the change, not my favorite season.What is breathtaking and stunning in it's proper time and place feels depressing and wasted out of season.

This past weekend a precious woman of faith passed away in our community. She was close to my moms age, and I consider that a young age to die. I know the young (even the exceptionally young) die everyday, but there is just something about the notion of someone dying before old age that seems such an injustice. I think about the grandchildren this woman will never meet. I think about how she doesn't get to be old with her husband who had been her high school sweetheart. Death should come at the right time, in the late autumn of life, but sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes it's like that tree across the street, dying off in brilliantly sad colors in the wrong season. That grieves me so much.

I was told that her family had sent an email to friends and loved ones who were vigilantly praying, letting them know in that last week that hospice had been called in and that they were trusting God with the timeline of her life. What grace and faith it must have taken to not only write that but truly believe it. They hoped for a miracle but they rested in God's ultimate sovereignty. It's a kind of trust that throws out our man-made timelines and seasons and expectations and sees life from a faith perspective, which is, in fact, an eternal perspective. God has the final say.

My boss told me that when she was praying for Patti a couple days before she died God reminded her of the verse in the bible that says God numbers our days before there is yet one. It gave her peace, knowing that God had her dear friend's days numbered already. She wondered aloud how prayer and miracles and hope fit in with that kind of sovereignty and ultimately we decided it was above our level of understanding, but still we believed it. That's faith for you, even when you don't really get it, you keep trusting.

We're not trees. We're not on a timeline we can predict. Some of us get a full life of seasons- birth, youth, middle age, old age, right on up past 100- and some only get a portion, but all of us, everyone of us, gets the days God numbered for us. I can kick against the limits of this life, but I can't add a single day to it.

I was told by someone, I don't remember who, that in the days or weeks before her death, Patti actually exclaimed she was excited to be going home to be with Jesus. Even in the midst of great pain as a result of spreading cancer and the treatment of it, even knowing that she would leave a husband and children and potential grandchildren and old age and a great many other things, she knew where her greatest treasure did lie. I think of her and I think I have become way too fond of this place. Way too fond of it's timelines and seasons and trappings.

So Patti and the tree, their respective deaths have taught me some things; There is a season for everything, and God knows what fits in each season under heaven, but maybe most importantly I needed to be reminded of this: A better home awaits.

The Random Dozen Returneth

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 05:17:00 +0000

This summer just got a whole lot more random since Lid brought back the Random Dozen! Last time I wrote one of these up LOST was still on the air. I shall heretofore refer to my random dozen days as B.L. and A.L. (before LOST and after LOST), it's only appropriate. Now how am I gonna segue into the dozen? How about by apologizing in advance for a lame general non-answer to the first question? Will that do? Good.

1. When was the last time you laughed until you cried? Is it sad that I can't remember? I'm sure it was probably just hanging out with my parents and my dad or mom said something ridiculously silly and I couldn't stop laughing. But, honestly, I cannot remember. This sorta depresses me. Must laugh until I cry more often.

2. If you found $10 today, what would you do with it? Get a manicure. My cuticles look scary, ya'll.

3. Do you volunteer anywhere? I'm very involved in my church, but other than that, no.

4. What is your favorite summertime veggie or fruit, and how do you eat it? Peaches and I just cut them up and eat them. But I also really enjoy a good peach cobbler or homemade peach ice cream. And as far as a veggie I have to go with okra. And I love it fried. Or sauteed with tomatoes and onions.

5. Is your social sphere (circle of friends) small, medium or large? Intentionally smallish. I go for quality over quantity. Not that the two can't co-exist. I like to say that a few friends is all I can handle. Which is probably more accurate than I care to admit.

6. When was the last time you attended a family or school reunion? How did that go? Since the only high school reunion my class has celebrated thus far is the 10 year (and I didn't go) then I'll go with my last family reunion which was in 1992. 18 years later though and I remember those days vividly. I was obsessed with this new show on MTV called Real World (did anybody else watch that first season with Julie the naive dancer from Alabama? I loved her!) and U2's The Joshua Tree was my soundtrack on the trip to and from the reunion. I wore really large blue glasses and no makeup and was truly a dork. I played with some cousins that were a good 7 or 8 years younger than me, whom I haven't seen since and felt like the super uncool cousin in my cabin. The best part of the entire reunion had to be when my grandmother schooled me in ping pong. Yeah. I'm that good.

7. When you're feeling blue, what is the best way someone can cheer you up? Bring me Chick-fil-a and say, "Hey, I have an advanced copy of Season 6 of LOST, let us watch it while eating Chick-fil-a. Oh, and your boss called and you have the day off, it's on her! And, I forgot to mention, we skipped the remainder of August and September and it has magically become October, as soon as we finish partaking in this delicious Chick-fil-a food and the bonus features on this LOST disc we should frolic in the 60 degree temperatures and delight in the changing leaves. Look, I bought you a soft new sweater to wear. Oh and check it out, all these credit card companies sent you letters saying you owe them nothing. I guess this is a perfect time to tell you I was planning on surprising you with an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii. Isn't that fabulous?" Yeah, that would work.

8. Have you taken a vacation this summer? NO, and I'm a little bitter about it.

9. What is the most unnecessary item you carry with you all the time? Gum wrappers that end up at the bottom of my purse.

10. What is the best summer flick you have seen so far? Inception. I mean, I'm a LOST fan some I'm cool with reality bending stuff and open ended endings. I think it might be my favorite film I've seen all year.

11. Describe a perfect summer day. On a white sandy beach, it's sunny and breezy but not unbearably hot. With family, my bestest friend and her family, a picnic and a great book. There are no commitments or obligations other than enjoying yourself to the fullest. Oh how I need a vacation!

12. Please a share a favorite photo from the summer so far! Would you believe I have not a one. And that might be because I've misplaced my camera. In fact, I haven't seen it since Memorial Day weekend. So literally, haven't had it all summer.

Enjoyed the dozen today? You can share your answers and link up over at Lid's!

Fits and Starts

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 03:14:00 +0000

In light of all this here is what I want you to do. While I'm locked up in here, a prisoner for the master, I want you to get out there and walk- better yet run!- on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that leads nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline- not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourself out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences. Ephesians 4:1-3 The Message

I read this passage recently, instantly drawn to those words, fits and starts. I know why, why it wasn't the humility and discipline I so readily identified with, or the pouring myself out for others in acts of love. None of those descriptions resembled the person I currently am. I know I've lived my life in fits and starts; New Years resolutions and Monday morning diet attempts and journaling and summer bible reading plans gone awry. Part procrastinator and part dreamer and part way too hard on myself, I seldom finish what I start.

I want to lose weight and I am challenged by those success stories of people who are able to do it. I pour over every bit of advice they give, hoping to find some secret revelation I've missed, and I inevitably come up short. Eat right and exercise, they say. Journal and measure and weigh yourself regularly and be accountable and do this day after day after day after day. And though I know this is truth, this is the way, I still feel I'm incapable of such actions. Helpless, even.

Every year at this time I get ambitious and all HGTVish and what to de-clutter and re-decorate my bedroom. I go to great lengths planning and plotting and imagining what I would like the space to be. I start with a project (like last years great closet cleanout of 2009) and I find myself flailing halfway through. By winter my room looks little different, and when I emerge in spring I'm depressed by the mess I find. It takes me all summer to want to begin again. It's a vicious cycle.

I secretly marvel at the disciplined Christian who daily pursues God, through the mundane, through the trials, through the blessed times. I am not that person. While my outward persona appears to be steadfast my heart often veers terribly off course. I put on a good show; but pay no attention to lazy, doubtful, pitifully human girl behind the curtain.

What I need is a steady heart. A disciplined life. A scripture recommended cure for the fits and starts. For a long time, longer than I care to mention, I've felt like a car stuck in mud, spinning it's wheels in desperate futility. In practically every area of my life I've felt like I haven't moved from the quicksand of fits and starts. I haven't really wanted to talk about it, write about it, or quite frankly even think about it, this state of my heart and soul, but I've felt very brave lately.

And with this bravery has come a little revelation. It's simple, really, but you'd be surprised how often I miss the simple by trying to find profound. Here it is:

I'm the only one who's holding me back.

Just me. All my preconceived notions of how difficult it is to do the thing, whatever the thing is, at the time. My mind analyzes and then over analyzes the work and time and sweat and sacrifice and potential for failure that is all wrapped up in achieving this life I so want, the life I know God has called me to. I set myself up for a cycle of defeat each and every time. And I've come to realize that I'm the one feeding the fears. I'm the one behind the cop outs. Just me.

I'm the only one who's holding me back.

Now that I've seen this, now that I've recognized it's true, I know I'm responsible for it. I know that I can't sit back and wonder why I'm not doing the thing, why I'm still going at it all in fits and starts.

Needless to say, I'm challenged. Deep inside my spirit I can hear those words in Ephesians, "I want you to get out there and walk (better yet run!) on the road God has called you to travel." It's going to be an interesting journey.

A Good Day

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 05:43:00 +0000

I'm up writing this post a little late for a Sunday night. I'm exhausted. The long shopping day would be enough to drain anyone, but you add the Texas heat and I am worn smooth out. My bed is calling my name and I know the alarm is going to go off all to early for a Monday, and Monday's are never very kind. I always mourn my weekend a little bit in these last few minutes before I crawl into bed.

But this weekend was a good weekend. Today, especially, was a good day. And it's too easy to forget the good days, so that's why I'm up, past my Sunday night bedtime, writing this post. To remember a good day.

Today I loved worshipping next to my best friend and hear her truly anointed voice singing out, full of passion and hunger for our God. I just stepped back a minute, trying to soak in God's presence and the blessing of getting to witness someone pour out their best to Him.

I loved hearing my Pastor speak on being part of the body of Christ and how vital we really are to one another. His enthusiasm for the church and knowledge of the scripture are two qualities I am so thankful He possesses. He challenged me to go deeper into the word as He described a man he met that had the entire new testament memorized. Hearing that testimony makes me hunger more for the word of God.

I loved shopping with some of my co-workers this afternoon. And as much as I love Anthropologie and Sephora and Whole Foods Market and DSW Shoes, I have to say the best part of the whole excursion was the realization that I love the women I am privileged to work with every day. I love my boss. I think it no small thing that I can work all week with them and still spend one of my only days off with the same people- and have an absolute blast. Those women are a treat, at work or at play, and God is so good to have placed me where I am. Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

So I'm exhausted right now. But I'm very, very grateful. I hope your weekend was as wonderful as mine! And I hope Monday is kind to you!!

Caffeinated Randomness

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 12:44:00 +0000

It has felt like an unbearably long week this week. I blame it on the heat, because, really no one is loving on 100+ degree temps anyways, so it's an easy target. It has been one of the hottest summer's in my recent memory, the kind that make me want to hibernate in an igloo until October arrives. It's pretty bad.

But thankfully, it's Friday, and there is a fabulous weekend on the horizon. While Saturday I don't plan on doing much (except trying to stay cool), Sunday I have a fun little shopping excursion planned with some of my friends from work. We are heading south to Dallas where I will partake in the joys of Anthropologie and Sephora. I also have it on good authority that the dining will be fantastic. Oh, and Whole Foods will be involved as well.

Have I mentioned that I am absolutely in love with Audrey Assad's album The House You're Building? Because it is unbelievably fantastic. Her voice is stunning but she makes it sound effortless and her lyrics are the kind that you can listen to over and over and still glean all kinds of truth and wisdom from every time. If you've never heard of her, imagine Brooke Fraser meets Nichole Nordeman meets Ingrid Michaelson meets Sara Bareilles. Made of awesome, she is. And if you have iTunes you can download the title song from The House You're Building for free this week. So really, you have no excuse.

Also in the world of FREE and MUSIC, you really should go to Noisetrade and download Thad Cockrell's To Be Loved. I love the folky vibe he has, and his voice is quirky and amazing. Also, I think I would have downloaded it just for the fact that on the site it said his album was for fans of: the smell of fall, singing, hope, joy, and drumbeats. And seriously, who isn't a fan of those things? So there you go.

Happy Friday all, and check out more Randomness at Andrea's.

This Thought Makes Me Shudder

karaec@hotmail.com (Kara With a K) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:43:00 +0000

If it's true that we make time for and spend money on what we value most then I'm afraid I value a lot of wasteful, petty, temporal, carnal, cheap things.

My value system needs a paradigm shift. I've been saying it a lot on this blog and possibly even more in my heart and in my prayers, but I just don't want to stay the same.

I want to value eternal things, and things like beauty and love and well-written and well-spoken words. I want to treasure community and openness and truth and redemption.

Instead of living in a space littered with cheap trinkets and eventual garage sale castoffs, I want to furnish my space with beautiful, meaningful things.

Instead of wasting time I want to redeem the time.

Instead of taking, I want to give.

Instead of complaining, I want to encourage.

But, for now, I don't value those things like I should. What I spend my time doing, what I spend my money on, what I fill my room and my day and my calendar with tell a different story.

But I want to change. I want to want those things.

And hopefully that's something. The start of a paradigm shift in me.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8-9 The Message